How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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