Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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