sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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