I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
