I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
