If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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