Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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