Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
