I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
