I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
