i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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