i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
i now understand why vodka
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
