So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
