My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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