I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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