Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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