youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
