my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
