we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize