No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
