People in love make me want to vomit
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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