Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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