I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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