I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
