What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
