I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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