I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
