I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
