After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
