glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
