I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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