Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
