I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
