I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
