i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
