I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
