And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
