There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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