WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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