so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
