If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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