the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
