the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
