Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
