it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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