i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
