I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
