I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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