I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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