i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
