im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
no, he came in my armpit
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
