If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
