Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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