When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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