this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
