She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
