But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
