Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
