just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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